5foot10

I Played Witcher 2 for Three Hours

This was also another game I’d heard cool things about and bought because of the cheap price on Steam. I did check to make sure it didn’t require a Windows Live account.

First Strike: Separate tutorial. Don’t. Just stop doing this. Reveal the mechanics of the game to me as I progress through it. Also, tutorial panels that show up all the time and pause the game? Make it stop. Let me play your game, stop pulling me out of your game world and telling me random shit that I have to close and remember what the fuck I was doing.

Second Strike: INFORMATION OVERLOAD. Jesus Christo, slow the fuck down. I have, I’m hoping, a some time to learn how to play. Let me get into your story, let me be intrigued. Let me get the hang of your movement and combat system before you start introducing systems that are unique to your game. I need time to comprehend all these goddamn runes, these potions I can only drink when I sit down to meditate, using a hotkey to focus on a target, using something called mutagens on talents or something, throwing bombs, setting traps, using my iron sword or silver sword (why the fuck is it important enough for you to tell me that they’re made of different metals?), parrying, dodging, critical attacks, all in a universe I’ve never been in before within the first hour of starting the game.

Third Strike: I know this may startle you, game developer, but I did not play the first game. Because of this, the first conversation I had with some guy with a fancy towel on his head made no goddamn sense. I wasn’t there for the events of the first game, I can’t answer him when he asks “So tell me EVERYTHING that happened at that big battle at the end of the previous game.” I could have bullshitted, maybe that was the point, but if this was meant to set up the events of the previous game that should have been made clear with one of your irritating pop up tutorial windows. Mass Effect 2 did this much better, letting you set what happened in the previous game if you didn’t have a ME1 game to import.

Three strikes, Witcher 2 is out.

I Played Fable III for Two Hours

I purchased Fable III because of the always enticing Steam sale. I’d heard it was a fun game, but now I’m wondering who I heard that from. I need to know who it was so I can slap them.

First Strike: Windows Live account required? Really? I don’t have an xbox, I will NEVER use this account EVER again, but don’t you know it that I can’t play this game without one. That means I get to exit the game, try to figure out if I ever made one in the past, make a new one, go to my email client to verify the account and then launch the game again. If I had paid attention to the fine print of the Steam page and noticed the “Requires Windows Live account” I wouldn’t have bought this game. I now check every game I buy on Steam for this warning.

Second Strike: Pressing and HOLDING DOWN a key to make an RPG choice? Really? Really. You gotta hold down the action key for a length of time that feels like 15 minutes to decide whether you say “Yes” or “No” to a choice of going outside.

Third Strike: Having to Google how I save my fucking game. Not only do I have to teleport back to my secret hero base by hitting the ESC key (it toggles you in and out of your base and where you are in game, not infuriating at all) then run around until I find some motherfucking gears embedded in a wall. 

I HATE GAMES THAT DO NOT LET YOU SAVE ANY DAMN TIME YOU WANT. Consoles, PC, Mobile, I don’t give a fuck the platform but I like to think I’m a semi-busy person, I want to be able to, I need to be able to, save my game at any time.

Three strikes, Fable III is out.